It’s a turvey-topsy, backwards world
By JIM CURTIS
A lot of kids are getting jobs from their parents these days. Oddly, though, the kids are usually in their 60s and the parents are pushing 90.
The kids, who thought they were finished parenting, are now parenting their parents. And the parents are now parented by their children. Even stranger yet: Kids and parents both receive social security benefits. Welcome to this wacky new world where everything is tervey-topsy and bass-ackwards. No wonder the fabric of Americana seems frayed at its edges and our culture a little warped.
An estimated 40 million Americans are functioning as unpaid caregivers to a family member, according to stats from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP).
I know a few of them, and I am unwilling to walk a couple of feet in their shoes let alone a mile. Actually, it is a non-issue; my parents died suddenly at 57 and 77, sparing their oldest son the dilemma.
Lucy lives with her 88 year-old mother in Sun City Center. She was down-sized in the recession that followed the financial crash of 2008. Prospects looked dim for a 58-year-old job seeker, so after consulting with her siblings, the family decided to move mom from an assisted living facility to a rented condo in Kings Point. Why pay $3,500 a month for room and board among strangers when mom could live at Lucy’s place?
Well, one reason is mom drives Lucy crazy. How does the youngest child parent a strong-willed, dominant matriarch? Poorly and with much drama. Plus, Lucy is so physically unfit she struggles to perform the tasks of transferring and bathing her wheelchair-bound mother. I was called in to provide assistance while Lucy was in a rehab center after back surgery. The job lasted a month, then Lucy returned to the trenches.
My take is Lucy and her siblings are providing care to save mom’s money. The more they save, the more they inherit. Mom gets to forego institutionalized living and gets to pay for rent, food, and utilities. Lucy gets to work from home and out-smart someone going through the Terrible 82s.
Glenna takes a different approach. She runs a caregiver service for her parents who are in their late 80s and live in Ellenton. She hires individuals to provide round-the-clock care and supervises them from 300 miles away. Cameras in the house make her all-seeing. Rules, regulations and work charts are posted. She visits at least twice a month and high tech keeps her connected virtually.
Saving money is not the issue. It would be less expensive to put her parents in a nursing home or assisted living facility. But then she would lose control and feel guilty. Instead, she retired early from her executive position and its lucrative salary. Now she works for her parents. The compensation is the satisfaction of doing her best for the two most important people in her world. Nevertheless, someone is footing the $100,000-plus per year tab for round-the-clock care.
The Sullivan family takes another approach. They intervened and demanded their domineering father hire a professional service. By the time I arrived on the job, two other agencies had come and gone from Papa Sullivan’s Apollo Beach home. The kids used me to play bad cop. It was difficult for them to stand-up to the imposing, authoritarian figure who bounced them on his knee and swatted their behinds.
So I play Joe Friday and give the crusty old man the facts — nothing but the facts. When he is unreasonable, I tell him. When he has a gripe, he lets me know it. He was a successful businessman and he relates to a business-like approach. He wisely purchased a long-term care insurance policy decades ago that now pays $130 per day.
After a particularly difficult session where I prevailed to get the patriarch to do the right thing, his son escorted me to the door and said, “I don’t know how you do it!”
“It’s a lot easier when he’s not your father,” I replied.
Lucy, Glenna and most family caregivers share a common trait: 78 percent of family caregivers are incurring out-of-pocket costs as a result of caregiving, spending $6,954 a year on average in 2016, an AARP study shows.
According to AARP’s survey of 1,864 family caregivers, those assisting people who need help with two to six activities of daily living spend $10,236, about double what caregivers spend for those who don’t need help with any activity of daily living. Activities of daily living include getting in and out of beds and chairs; getting dressed; getting to and from the toilet; bathing/showering; dealing with incontinence and feeding. People caring for someone with dementia spend $10,697. Family caregivers who provide assistance with two to four medical/nursing tasks spend $11,289, on average; those not doing such tasks spend just $4,558.
“The more complex the care and the more intense the level of care, the more you experience out-of-pocket costs,” said Susan Reinhard, senior vice president of AARP and director of AARP Public Policy Institute. “You’re already experiencing physical and emotional demands. It’s like a piling on of financial demands. There’s an awful lot coming at you.”
AARP would also like family caregivers to get a helping hand from Uncle Sam. It supports legislation called the Credit for Caring Act. The bill would create a federal, nonrefundable tax credit of up to $3,000 for family caregivers who work and provide financial assistance to their parents, spouses, children with disabilities or other loved ones.
That’s not too different from President Trump’s campaign proposal for a deduction of up to $5,000 per year for “elder care costs necessary to keep a family member working outside the home.” He also favors letting Americans open Dependent Care Savings Accounts with tax-free contributions of up to $2,000 a year, so they can “plan for future expenses relating to child and elder care.” Earnings on those accounts would be tax free.
Jim Curtis is the owner of Home Haven. He is certified by the state of Florida to provide homemaker and companion services and focuses on keeping elders-in-need in their homes. Call him at 813-331-3471, or e-mail Jim.Curtis48@icloud.com.
